noah baby

ON DISCIPLINING A THREE YEAR OLD

I’m going to be honest with you: when it comes to disciplining a toddler, I have no idea what I’m doing.  It has been trial and error and, honestly, we’ve yet to find a method that works exclusively for the changing moods of our (very) dramatic youngin.  As this article points out, there is no single method that is right for all families. The author states: “since people are not identical cookie cutters, both the parents and the child need various methods to choose from in order to find the approach that fits with their family and their lifestyle.”  And she couldn’t be more right.  Here is a summary of some of the methods we’ve tried and how they’ve fared in our household.

Time-Outs

The low-down:  We give Noah two to three minute time-outs when he fails to respond to our commands or when he gets all hellion-screaming-banshee on us. Our exclusive time-out spaces include a corner in our kitchen, the bottom step leading to our upstairs, and one of the chairs in our living space.  We’ve never used his bed or his room because I think I once read something about children associating that space with negativity and not wanting to sleep/spend time in a space they are sent to when “bad”.  That seemed to make sense in my spaced out brain. 

The outcome:  Noah either thinks this is a game or he’s wildly pissed that he’s being restricted.  In both instances he tries every way to get out of his time-out space.  Sometimes I’m simply able to redirect him back but other times I have to actually physically place him there.  Regardless of some of the difficulties, this method seems to work at diverting Noah and calming him down in some instances (as long as we catch him before he’s in total meltdown mode). 

Time-Ins

The low-down: I saw this method first touted on the bonbon mini blog.  The idea is that the parent removes the child from the situation that is causing the tantrum or bad behavior and sits with them in a calming, quiet place. 

The outcome:  This works well for really bad tantrums.  It’s a way to connect with Noah and say, “Hey dude, I understand.  Being a little guy sucks.  No one understands you but everyone tells you what to do.  It’s not fair.”  Time-ins sometimes occur after particularly unruly time-outs (when I’ve misjudged how far we’ve stepped into total meltdown mode).  Near bedtime fussiness is usually treated with a sympathetic time-in.  J is a big fan of the time-ins.  I’d say it’s his number one tool in his bag of parenting tricks.

Positive Language/Redirecting/Gentle Discipline

The low-down:  This approach employs methods that I’m sure most parents use in some capacity but the biggest challenge for us has been making requests in affirmative or positive language rather than negative.  Tackling that charge was inspired by an acquaintance with a youngish child who implements this type of “discipline” or direction exclusively.  She never says no to her child.  I hear that he rules the roost as a result but after seeing her interact positively with Noah utilizing this method, I figured I could learn a lesson or two and just try it out.

The outcome:  When I first tested this method exclusively it lasted, maybe, two days.  Kicking the “no” word was like kicking a really bad nicotine habit.  I just couldn’t do it.  And with the redirection, I caught myself saying things like, “You can’t lick the handle of the shopping cart but you can lick your shirt.”  What?  The absurdity was killing me.  Of course, I still do redirect him when I can and I try to be mindful of praising all of his good behavior but this isn’t an exclusive method for us.  There’s no way I’m going to try to say something gentle or positive to my child when I’m across the room and I notice that he’s pushed a chair up to our kitchen counters and is leaning over the hot stove, trying to flip bacon frying in a pan (this happened).  The only logical thing that comes out of my mouth in that instance is a very loud, “NO! STOP!”

[My Abridged Version of] Happiest Toddler on the Block

The low-down:  I’ve only read bits and pieces of this book so I can’t give a full critique of the method.  My understanding is that the method relates that when a child throws a tantrum it’s simply because they aren’t being understood and because their brains are “primitive”.  The quickest way to defuse a tantrum is to communicate with the toddler on their level (which I feel like we are able to address with Time-Outs and Time-Ins while maintaining our I’m-the-parent-you’re-the-child roles).  The difference with this method versus others is that part of it calls you to speak/act in “toddler-ese” which means you actually stomp, scream, and act like a toddler yourself to demonstrate to the child that you recognize their frustration. 

The outcome:  I was skeptical but nevertheless, I tried it.  I never tried it in public but I did try it a few times at home.  Noah just thought I was just mocking him, even when I said things like, “I know, it makes me so mad!”.  It just seemed to exacerbate his tantrums.  Fail.  Maybe I need to read the entire book?  The other ideas Dr. Karp purports about attention, praise, and spending time together seem logical enough.

Threats/Stern Face

The low-down: The ability calm chaos and silence your child through a single threat or by throwing a particularly stern look their way.

The outcome:  I’d give this about a 2% success rate.  Noah apparently knows my poker face and the threat of a time-out when we get home while we’re out at the grocery store is like telling him he’ll be in time-out next week.  He hasn’t developed an advanced sense of time and space yet or he’s just calling bullshit.

Any methods you find particular successful or just a complete disaster with your little ones?