noah baby

ANTICIPATION

Originally published February 24, 2012

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I’ve learned through the family grapevine (aka my mother) that my sister, Noah’s birth mother, is ready to sign the document that will relinquish her parental rights to Noah.  This coming Monday, when she has time for one of her scheduled calls, we’re supposed to discuss it.  We’ve had this discussion before (if you could call it a discussion) over a series of text messages before she entered treatment but nothing really came out of it.  I never wanted to force the subject.  I knew from the beginning that this was her decision to make. Trust me, in my mind, when it was first mentioned, I wanted to jump at the opportunity, to draw up the legal papers as quickly as possible and get them across the judge’s bench before the pen ink dried.  But I try to be a steady and deliberate person.  I never wanted Noah to resent me for pushing his parents to make a decision they weren’t ready to.  I never wanted his mother to feel like she wasn’t valued in this relationship.  While there has never been any doubt in my mind or J’s as to whether we want to be Noah’s forever parents, I still want to respect the role of his birth parents, especially his mother.  Coming to the realization that she does not have the resources, the bond, or the ability to return as a parent to Noah is a part of her journey.  Taking the initiative to gather up the documents needed for this transition is as integral to her recovery as her weekly therapy sessions with an addiction counselor.

I received a very nice letter from her in the mail a few months ago thanking J and I for all that we have done for Noah.  In the letter she, in very sincere language, recognized the fact that J and I have taken the reins of parenting and that she knows how much we love Noah and how much he cares for us.  She apologized for her behavior and for putting my family “through hell” by way of all the terrible decisions she has made in the past.  I held the letter in my hands and scanned it and over again, tears welling up in my eyes after each read.  Ten years of watching a woman you love destroy herself and her children has a way of chilling your heart towards them.  While I’ve been the one to break down over the entire situation in places like the bathroom when I’m alone, I’ve done very little to outwardly express or show a shift in my attitude.  How do you rejoice and show gratitude towards a person who has scarred so many people that you care for so deeply?  The way I  handle this situation, I believe, will be testament of my own personal growth as a mother and sister.

This I have to realize: she has given life to six vibrant children, none of which will ever be raised to know her in the way I think she intended.  Maintaining the tenuous relationship between us and her child and cultivating further growth is not an admission of reconciliation for past debts.  It is preserving the value of a life spent, one that has been robbed of the normalcy we all as humans deserve.  For a woman who carries a child and brings them into this world, the idea of handing them over to another person to raise, regardless if they think it’s best for them, is a heavy burden to bear.  I am incredibly grateful for the lucidity that recovery has brought her and I’m brimming with anticipation at the thought of finally (legally) adopting Noah.